From the beginning to the end, these are sure-fire, tested techniques you can use to compromise the patience, flexibility and sanity of your wedding florist. Use these techniques with caution. You don't really want to cause her any irreparable harm -- or do you?
1). Make an appointment and not show up. Assume that if you texted her alone, or e-mailed her alone, she got your cancellation message. You will have wasted hours of her time, and caused her undue worry and frustration, while she waited for an actual phone call. And you can blame her for not being a good communicator because she didn't see your text or e-mail.
2). Reschedule and then cancel again at the last minute. Insist on another appointment. This will cause her to want to call her therapist.
3). Have no idea of what you want or even like for flowers. And when she shows you a lot of beautiful and creative options, act passive and emotionless. She'll wonder why you even came to see her, and how you managed to get engaged.
4). Be completely stuck on hard-to-get, out-of-season, very expensive flowers, because you saw them in a magazine and they're pretty. She will suggest other options. Accuse her of being closed to new ideas -- after all, the magazines are always "on trend," and she just "ties flowers together with a ribbon." What does she know, really? She will try hard not to be flustered by your lack of regard for her experience.
5). Don't bring any color swatches, pictures of dresses, samples of fabric, copies of your invitation, or anything at all to your consultation that might help her figure out your tastes. Leave her guessing all along. And when she finally comes close to guessing your taste, tell her she's the fourth florist you have interviewed, and you don't think you like her "style." She will try very hard to be nice to you as she walks you to the door, but as soon as you leave, listen for her to start slamming her head against the wall, or throw herself to the floor in a total melt-down.
6). Have no budget to pay for your expensive tastes, and still expect that your florist will come through for you. After all, you've read all of her reviews, and past brides have said she's a "miracle worker!" This will give her stress-induced colitis, and make her head for the medicine cabinet.
7). Insist on micro-managing every detail, like exactly what number of rose petals will go into each paper doily cone, how many gel marbles will go into each centerpiece, and how many loops will make up each aisle bow, exactly what combination and quantity of flowers will be used in every single arrangement. This will tie her creative hands behind her back, and really make her nutty.
8). Change the parameters, drastically, after your initial consultation. Lead her to believe you have thousands to spend on your large and complicated order, let her work hard on a quote for you, and then after the fact, tell her that you have less than $500. Or, let her know you have a simple budget and simple needs, and then surprise her later with 40 complicated centerpieces. Be self-righteously annoyed that her estimate went way up. This will make her want to drink heavily.
9). Vandalize to Scandalize. After she creates picture-perfect bouquets for you, let your photographer convince you to throw them up in the air, or jump with them, to get a fun, active shot. Then, when they break, innocently send your bridesmaids running to her to ask her to "fix" them. Stand back and watch her reaction carefully. Did she stifle a very shocked expression? Then, CONGRATS! You've succeeded in scandalizing her!
10). Think of other ways to abuse the flowers early in your wedding day. Insist on hand-tied, very thirsty flowers, and then DON'T put them in vases at all during the day. Better yet, plan to cook them thoroughly in the hot sun hours before the wedding during your outside photos. Then accuse her later of giving you "flowers that died." She will really not know what to say, and just stand there, wondering if she should cry.
And a Bonus tip!
11). Have her make a nice tossing bouquet for you. Then don't throw it. Throw your own gorgeous masterpiece, or your maid-of-honor's bouquet instead, because you couldn't find the toss bouquet, even though your florist told you she would place it in a vase by the guest book. When she hears about it later, she will go bonkers -- especially if you fixate on it, accuse her of not supplying a tosser for you, tell all your friends about it, and actively try to gut her reputation online with uncharitable reviews.
*Author's note: These tips are intended only for True Bride-Zillas. Nice Brides will be given a list of their own in the next post.
Contributed by Puget Sound Wedding Professionals Member Julia Miller of Julia’s Floral.
